i didn't do much today. i had a bad morning, so i skipped class with permission and went to intervention services to talk about my shit home life. after i got home, i went to the convenience store to get snacks and took a long nap. i woke up and immediately went to a hibachi grill place with my family. i got $50 from my grandpa and ate good food, then i went home to write this. my sister has a friend over even though i didn't want anyone over, i'm making a quiz for my friends to play on my birthday, and i just feel numb. i don't feel anything
i haven't been able to deal with this information as well as i wanted. i didn't really imagine a world in which i lived past my teen years, so i never expected to actually reach 18. being in college didn't really set it in for me but now it's hitting a lot harder. i still don't think i have enough time to grow up yet, but i can't change anything about it
my life as a young child and even now isn't how i want it to be, nothing is how i wanted it to be. i dropped out of high school, the pandemic left me far more secluded and i lost contact with my real life friends, i still struggle to make new friends, i mask who i am all the time even around my closest friends, i wasted a lot of my life and i can never get it back besides hoping that my adult years can turn my life around. i don't know why i feel this way when i took my antidepressants yesterday, but who knows about anything anymore
maybe things will get better and my mental health won't be in jeopardy all the time, i can live the life i want, i won't have to be compelled to take jobs so my family can have some income, i can stop feeling like a failure. i don't know. i really don't. i live in a terrible world. i considered not taking art because everyone is replacing us with AI anyway, my attention span and memory is shot to shit, my eyesight is getting worse and i have to use my phone camera to read from a whiteboard, everything is wrong and i hate who i am
i don't know what i'm saying. this isn't really a blog post so much that it's just me rambling about how much i hate everything i am, maybe i'll feel better when the actual day comes around. i'm going to an amusement park tomorrow, i haven't gone to this park in over a year, luckily my more well off parent helped provide for the trip. maybe it'll get better. maybe