somehow still holding on (4/3/26)
a few weeks ago for composition class, we were assigned to read mike rose's "i just want to be average" for our midterm, and it's stuck with me for quite a while since then. not necessarily for the message as a whole, though it was one i agreed with, but because the writing is less of a reflection of the desire (by virtue of it being autobiographical) and moreso being completely unaware of what you have. most of the descriptions of rose's life is so thoroughly average to me and i desire it so badly. i'm kind of slacking in class thanks to honor student syndrome, i don't have much else to go because i can't drive in car country and won't be able to for a while, i'm not healthy enough to do things most older people would consider 'fun'. i'm just chained to my home even though i could've been anywhere else if my circumstances were better, or just regular

i still wish i had an average life. the institutions as i know them never gave me that opportunity to feel very average, and while i reconnected with my friends from back when i was still in primary school, we're all being thrust into a very shitty market of survival at this point that we don't have the time to really breathe from it. the only time i hung out with most of them in person was right before they graduated and then shortly after. i still see some of them in college though, which i'm grateful for. i guess it makes me feel like a person? idk. it's a weird feeling, none of us really lived average lives. having friends in general might just do that to you

i've been taking iron supplements again because my anemia came back full swing and i kind of feel normal, but i mostly feel aimless. i'm pushing 20, the job market is so bad even when i'm with services specifically to help the disabled, i can't fathom living on my own. i'm tired. i just don't want to deal with it for at least one more year, but time is ticking

what i'm writing makes me sound way more depressed than i actually am, i promise you i'm fine lol, i just mostly feel numb. i have a bunch of things to do today; finding sources for my essay, watching a movie with my partner, eating some sweets i have sitting around. they're mostly easy and fun, but i just don't feel it very much. it's happy but not extremely happy. mental illness is great

taking some time to update the fanlisting. hoping over the summer i can finish my miscellaneous stuff, i doubt it, but hopefully i can