holiday season disappointments (11/13/23)
long time no see. sucks that i have to come back in this condition but hey, what else can i do

life hasn't really been getting better. i'm currently staying somewhere else because i'm deathly terrified of my sister. while i won't go into the situation here i can only really say that i don't feel safe at home

i do want to talk about something serious regarding my website, because it's something i've had thoughts on for a long time

simply put, i've mostly lost passion. not from myself, i didn't have burn out, but i lost passion because of people that are so hellbent on making neocities of their image, and the community of the young like me starting their journey as webmasters who were encouraged to start with a website are suddenly not wanted because it isn't the same or it isn't what they want

for some reason, i kept seeing people in the neocities world that encourage creativity and self expression, and then push the narrative that your website has to be this way, that way, you can't use too many old web elements or you'll be nostalgia mining, you can't put negativity on your personal website for some reason, your graphics suck, use something else

i was genuinely miserable having to read all this, because on a place i felt safe and connected, there were people that were going to judge me for making and using my website how i wanted to, my personal website. encouraging creativity when i'm scared to be creative at all. why is there a status quo in a community meant for self expression?

there have been recommendations to better my site over the almost year that i had it, and i took them with ease, because they were genuine criticisms that i could take and apply to my site (and stuff about accessibility on the web which is a completely seperate topic). most stuff i read about this topic are more or less "be this or don't be on neocities", which feels more like repressing yourself rather then getting what these people are trying to achieve

maybe i'll move webhosts? i don't really have the money and neocities is the most user friendly for me right now. i hate the fact that i could be judged for expressing myself a certain way or god forbid put SADNESS on my site (the horrors, i can't be vulnerable for god knows what reason). i genuinely didn't want this to get to this point but everything this community perpetuates feels more like the suffocating feeling i had when i was still unhealthily on social media then the free and liberating feeling this community wants me to feel

i shouldn't have to apologize for being negative, but i'm sorry for being negative. i'm sorry for being bitter and speaking my mind. i want to feel free and liberating on here but it isn't happening. i'd rather be in a community with a not a lot of variety but open to newcomers who want to try and express themselves in an art form that should be appreciated more then a community that represses what people are allowed to do in that artform because they don't like it, but have a bunch of content that they judge to be "creative"

this will be the only thing i post regarding my feelings on neocities because i don't want to perpetuate this kind of behavior further, but i hope you understand that i simply want to be a vocal synth fan who loves talking about miku, and a person with a shitty personal life that expresses it however they want to. i want to be meek, the person, the same way that i am mikufan3939. express my feelings and emotions about my difficult life the same why i express what miku means to me

i'm not a web entity, i'm a person

maybe i'll make a manifesto another day